Janet's story

"The first few weeks that I was with Peter* were wonderful; he was affectionate, considerate, fun to be with and a great boost to my self-esteem after the break-up of my previous relationship.  He moved in with me after a few months and almost immediately became violent.  It started with one or two slaps, but soon escalated to physical blows.  I was frightened and scared but he was always so sorry for what he had done and he always promised never to hurt me again. 

Alongside the violence Peter became very jealous and possessive.  He would accuse me of being unfaithful which would lead to a row followed by more violence.  I presumed his jealousy was down to his own insecurity and, because of that, I felt sorry for him.  I believed I could change him.  He started to turn against my family and friends and tried to isolate me from them.  I did finish our relationship on several occasions but I would end up taking him back. 

I thought that his attacks on me must somehow be my fault.  I found myself asking 'What have I done to deserve this?  Why am I making him so mad that he has to treat me this way?'.  I couldn't bring myself to tell anyone what was happening.  I was too embarrassed.  I didn't leave him because I didn't think anyone would believe me.  And even if I tried where would I go?

Peter was also cunning.  He knew how to 'control' his violence.  The blows he rained on me led to bruises but mostly my hair covered the ones on my head and my clothes concealed those on my arms.  No matter how hard he hit me, he was always careful never to mark my face. 

Then one day, Peter attacked me. He stabbed me in the face with a fork.  I started screaming and tried to back away but he just kept stabbing me with it.  I ran into another room but he followed me and as he came through the door he picked up a glass and flung it at me.  It smashed and a shard embedded itself in my side.  I was in agony, doubled up on the floor but Peter calmly stepped over me, picked up his keys and left the house. 

I called an ambulance that took me to the hospital where they stitched the wounds.  This time when the police came I pressed charges. I finally saw him for what he was, a menace who used violence to control me.  If I had gone back to Peter, I think he might have ended up killing me.  He was definitely quite capable of killing me. 

Peter was beside himself with anger at being charged with assault.  He called me constantly, threatening me unless I withdrew the case.  I changed my mobile number but knew it was only a matter of time before he tracked me down.  Then a friend told me about Refuge and I made contact.  Within days they found me a place in one of their refuges on the south coast.  Once there, I met other women who had violent partners.  Listening to them made me realise I wasn't alone.

I also saw a Refuge psychologist – and I am still seeing her.  She is helping me to understand Peter's behaviour was not my fault. Slowly I am starting to rebuild my life and my confidence.  I have left the refuge and have moved into my new flat, a place I hope where Peter will never find me.  I still suffer from headaches and I don't sleep well. I have changed irrevocably, but I know that, given time, I can learn to live again."

_{*Names have been changed. Photograph by Julian Nieman.}

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Refuge runs a psychological service for women who have been exposed to domestic violence. London Councils helps to fund this service