Sam's story

Sam*, aged three and a half years, arrived at Refuge with his mum and three sisters.  His mum met with the pre-school psychologist soon after their arrival discussed her concerns about Sam and his fear of going to the toilet.  Through talking with the psychologist it emerged that Sam also had difficulties sleeping and was very quiet and withdrawn.  He had regressed to younger behaviours of wearing a nappy and wanting a bottle, he also displayed many symptoms of post-traumatic stress, including being very jumpy and having nightmares about violence.

When the family lived at home much of the violence occurred late at night. Sam would often get out of bed and stand at the top of the stairs to listen and see what was happening.  He saw his father screaming, shouting, throwing objects, breaking furniture, as well as hitting his mother.  Sam would stand there, frozen and shaking with fear, or sometimes crying and screaming.  Not surprisingly he continued to have sleep problems and would wake several times in the night, becoming extremely distressed if his mother was not there beside him.

The Refuge team used play as a way to understand Sam's experiences.  During play with the dolls' house Sam at first refused to include his dad in the set of dolls which represented his family members.  When he eventually allowed the psychologist to introduce a 'dad doll' into the play, Sam threw the doll away, took the car and ran over the doll, saying "run him over".  Later, his older sister asked Sam why he threw his dad away and Sam replied "I didn't want him in the house".  For the first time Sam's experiences and feelings were acknowledged as being real and he had an opportunity to take control of a situation which he was once powerless to do anything about. 

In further sessions Sam became more able to verbally express what he had seen, telling me that "daddy hit mummy" and it was "very sad".  He learnt more about feelings through using pictures of faces and talked about "daddy's angry face", "mummy's sad face" and his own "scared face". 

After just three sessions Sam's mother could not believe how much Sam had changed.  She reported that for the first time when Sam had woken and she was not there, Sam had not screamed, but had calmly got up to see where she was.  He had become able to do things for himself rather than remaining stuck, distressed and traumatised.  He became less clingy to his mum and was much more confident and talkative around other people, even making jokes. The family was re-housed shortly after this and his mum continues to help Sam feel safe and secure.

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London Councils helps to fund Refuge's psychological service for children and their mothers who have been exposed to domestic violence.*

_{*Name has been changed, photo courtesy of Julian Nieman}